I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
