he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
