Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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