I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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