I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
