Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
