My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Randomize
