My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
