On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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