I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
