Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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