Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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