Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You are a genius and a whore.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
