respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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