i already hear my dad disowning me
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
