i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
