Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
