My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
