I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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