i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
