Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
