Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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