theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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