I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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