remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
