My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
