So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
