i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
