you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
