you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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