I just saw a hot homeless man
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
