I faked an abortion last night.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
