We named our party play list daddy issues
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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