I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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