it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
