Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
