It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
