i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
