Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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