I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
