listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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