he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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