So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
