I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
