Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
