Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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