i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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