Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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