If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
