a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
