There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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