the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
