OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
